measure your life in love

I know, I know.
How cliche can I get?
But, this title is appropriate in more ways than one:

1. Elon just finished its production of RENT. I will attempt to give you a review of the show, but I might at times be forced to simply just say "AAAAAHHHHHHHHH" because, in reality, that's what my mind was doing as I walked out of McCrary on Sunday night. I've seen the movie for years now, I know the music by heart--I've even watched the last Broadway production on DVD (thanks to my wonderful mother who bought it for me). My point is, I know the show. And I went into it knowing that I would be emotionally affected (I cry at everything, for those of you who don't know me). But there was something about seeing it acted out in front of me, about seeing and literally being overwhelmed by the emotional tension on that stage...all of that coupled with the music and the set and the phenomenal (truly truly spectacular) acting and--I was a mess. I cried, certainly, but I also found myself mentally struggling to pull myself out of being overwhelmed by the show. The odd part was, I was upset for a completely different reason than I expected. I think I've grown a lot since I was first exposed to many of the issues brought to light in the show. AIDS is no longer some fantasy disease, love is no longer something that grown-ups do, and life is now more than simply going to school and surviving. While I'm not affected by disease in the way some of the characters are, I am living with my own demons, my own struggles and issues that have the potential to bring me down...and they do some days, certainly, but I've grown to realize that it's truly about living with, not dying from, these problems. I may not live the same la vie Boheme that the characters of RENT do, but I have my own life, my own way of striving to find joy and success in the world around me, and I've got to do my best to live it.

2. (That was a really long explanation, sorry) Also, yesterday was Valentine's Day! I know that a lot of people "hate" that day because they're single and it seems like a smack in the face, a reminder that you don't have a significant other, but the rest of the world does...which is SO false. First of all, there are plenty of single people in this world, living their lives, embracing the world around them without a romantic interest to distract them from (or to necessitate) their happiness! Dependence on someone else shouldn't determine your happiness on one silly Hallmark holiday. Also, if you are single, you can make the best of Valentine's Day with your friends! Yesterday, a group of my friends on the hall all got together and went to dinner--we were each other's date for the evening, and we had the best time (although I wouldn't really know because I had to leave super early). Celebrate the love that you do have in your life!

3. I just started my job with SPARKS this week! AND, February is Love Your Body month...see, so much love! We're all about promoting healthy body image and self-confidence--we even have cute buttons that say "I <3 My Body" which are surprisingly a big hit with the students here. I can't wait to get more involved with SPARKS and to see what the future holds!

4. I'm done rambling now, I promise :)

no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should

I'm sitting in my room (which has been newly rearranged), on my futon, looking out my window. The clock is literally chiming eleven as I type this, the sun is almost at its peak, the church steeple is in full view, the wind is rustling through the trees...I'm in love with this day.

It's now February! First semester officially began yesterday--today is my second day of new classes, which I am not ashamed to say I am so excited about! Yesterday went pretty smoothly. I had one class at 10:30; it lasted until 12:10, and I had a break until 5:30! My early class was my honors seminar, Intellectual History, which I think is going to be pretty great. It's going to be tough, I can tell, but definitely worth my while. My professor had us try to envision the moment when man first developed the idea that we all have a right to make our own decisions and choose our paths in life. To think of a time when this wasn't seen as truth, and to then try and imagine what it must have felt like to realize that life could be so...different, so much more your own...it's baffling. I think I'll like this class. I had health at 5:30, which I thought was going to be boring, but my professor is great. She's funny and let us out way early, which was nice, seeing as I normally eat between the hours of 5:30 and 7:10...I was slightly concerned about my stomach (of course).

I had my first literature class this morning!! It was British Lit I, and my professor is actually my academic advisor. I haven't met her yet personally, but I think she's going to be a great professor. The class might actually be interesting compared to the Brit Lit I took in high school...anyway, I have Camerata at 12:15 and then Chorale directly after that at 1:40 (basically three hours of singing--can't wait!) and then Educational Psych later this afternoon! I'm really looking forward to that class because (I think) it will legitimately pertain to what I want to do in life, which is exciting for me.

TM starts again on Thursday! I don't even think I realize how excited I am about that...I might not until I get there, but I can't wait to see everybody and to sing with them again and to take off my shoes and....it's going to be amazing! I also start my job with SPARKS soon! Our first meeting is Monday, so I'll keep you posted about that.

Emotionally I think I'm doing pretty well, actually. Again, there are some amazing people in my life right now that I cannot be more thankful for! It was so great seeing Mom over Fake Break and catching up, especially since I won't be back until late April. I'm glad she was able to visit for the few days that she did--I hope I didn't bore her too much, as there isn't really anything to do in Elon, especially over break!

These past few weeks have been full of truly wonderful things and people--I am so blessed and cannot even begin to be thankful enough for everything. Even better--I can't wait for the future and for what's to come! If it's anything like this past month...let's just say that I'll just keep getting happier and even more disgustingly mushy in these posts.

You know you love it :)

I'm alive!

In keeping with tradition, the desire to update this blog came to me at nearly three in the morning...I'm just back from an amazing night: I went to the basketball game against Georgia Southern (we totally kicked butt) and then headed over to the TM house and had one last hurrah before Winter Term is officially over!

Let me explain Winter Term really quick: We basically have the option to take one class for three hours every day for the month of January...it's like fitting in a class in a month. There are finals and projects and everything just like normal, and we get a full four credit hours. It's just super condensed. And this normally would be a great thing, except my class is from 8:30 to 11:30 every day. Which means that, after lunch, I have an empty schedule--and I do absolutely nothing. I've been to the gym a couple of times...that was fun, I guess. I do some reading, catch up on TV shows. In all, it's extremely unproductive and I'm not quite sure I'm happy with it. But, it's almost over! And then I have fake break (a full week off between WT finals and second semester). My mom is coming, which is very exciting as I won't be home to see her until the summer! 

So, for those of you who read this and who might be even slightly curious as to what I've been up to since my last post (before Christmas, oh my gosh!), I'll give a quick recap: the new year came, I chilled at home, saw my grandparents in NC, and then hauled it back up here on the 3rd of January to get back into the swing of things! My WT class is called Animal Social Behavior in a Changing World...it's basically a lot of weird animal videos. I don't really need it for my major, but it will fulfill a much-needed science credit! TM doesn't meet during WT, so I haven't had that to fill up my time.

A lot of really amazing things have happened for me personally, though, and I'm so very thankful for that. I've gotten a lot closer to people on my hall (this is what happens when you spend hours on end with people!) and I've been able to take some time for me. I can do things that make me happy, see people that make me happy, and ultimately strive for happiness as much as possible. I was sick for one day, and then we had some snow (and a snow day!), but overall the break has been great in a personal sense. I've met some people who I predict will have a truly amazing impact on my life, and that's exhilarating to say the least! 

Musing: Parties are so much more fun when you're sober and you get to have fun with all the drunk people. It's also quite flattering to be asked, "Man, how drunk are you?" when, in reality, all that's in your cup is water. 

so come out of your cave walking on your hands

Whoa guys. This is big. I'm updating from my bedroom. At home. On my bed (which isn't lofted 12 miles high)...I'm home!


And I know I've been home before, but this feels different, maybe because I know I'll be here for longer than four days...whatever it is, I like it. Being home doesn't feel as strange as it did the first time, that's for sure. Mom has her own routine, I have mine, the cat has hers (which no longer involves eating holes in my sheets). In all, it's pretty great :) Hopefully we'll take some time today or tomorrow to put up lights and a tree and get all decorated for Christmas!

Which brings me to my next point: I love Christmas!!! I know, I know, I'm cliche. But that's okay, because I love it anyway and it makes me happy, so there. There's something about the air when it gets this cold, something in the way multi-colored lights make my heart skip a beat. Maybe it's the abundance of red and green or the scent of pine that's getting to my head, but I'd have to say that I'm in love with this holiday. Christmas movies are THE best (especially Prancer...have you seen it? SO good, really makes my heart warm and fuzzy), cookies are...well, cookies, but when you get to make two-headed gingerbread men and pregnant angels (...yes, we do these things. Be jealous) the season gets that much better. And, to top it all off, I'm back home with friends and there are parties and secret santa gifts and coffee runs and late nights. It's like a nice little sabbatical of peace and happiness and fun before the return to the ever-dreaded reality of school and homework and books and blah blah blah. Not that I mind all of that, of course. Going back to Elon means Twisted Measure and my hall-mates and new classes, all of which are exciting. But it's nice to be here and to only worry about whether or not the glass angel ornament will properly reflect the light it's closest to.

I'll likely update again over break, to give one more sappy post about the New Year and opportunity and things I've learned and all that jazz...for my realist readers out there (which, seeing as my readership stays at about a solid 3.25 people, there might not be many), be warned. The shiny happy will dominate the dark and twisty. It's gonna be great :)

My quote/inspiration/whatever for this post comes (once again) from Mumford & Sons:

"It's empty in the valley of your heart
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears
And all the faults you've left behind

The harvest left no food for you to eat
You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see
But I have seen the same
I know the shame in your defeat

But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

Cause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I'll take mine
Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind

So tie me to a post and block my ears
I can see widows and orphans through my tears
I know my call despite my faults
And despite my growing fears

But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

So come out of your cave walking on your hands
And see the world hanging upside down
You can understand dependence
When you know the maker's land

So make your siren's call
And sing all you want
I will not hear what you have to say

Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it's meant to be

And I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again."

Go placidly amid the noise and haste...

So I'm sitting in Starbucks right now with my friend Lizzy from Twisted Measure. She's basically awesome. And I'm sipping my tall non-fat white peppermint mocha (no whip). Nat King Cole or Bing Crosby or one of those awesome crooner guys is playing on the radio. And I have this really weird feeling that I'm going to attempt to describe to you guys because, well, I think it needs explaining:

I'm so happy right now. We'll start with that. I'm happy. It's taken me a lot to realize that, to be quite honest. This past week or so has been pretty rough, for a plethora of reasons which I won't get into right now, but I realized this morning that I am genuinely happy with my life. All of the things that have been keeping me down are, in the grand scheme of things, so insignificant. Like, really. Looking back at how upset I was, I'll admit that I was being ridiculous. Now, I'm not discounting my emotions, because I believe (thanks to my mom) that every emotion we feel should be recognized as true and real because, well, it's ours. We own it, it came from us. Nothing we ever feel is "wrong." However, I do believe that how we deal with these emotions is huge.

And I was not dealing with mine well. At all. It took a bit of soul searching (and some really good friends) to make me realize that I am so tremendously blessed. I'm at an amazing school that has so much to offer me academically and socially; I'm growing here. I have friends, both new ones here and old ones back home, that love me and appreciate me. The friends I've made here have been crucial in this past week, and I love them all so much for that. I've found a group of singers and friends that have taken me in with open arms. I legitimately love them with a passion that I didn't realize was possible after only knowing them for two months. But it's happened. My mom has been so great through all of this (homesickness especially) and has made me realize how much A) I miss her and want to go home! and B) I can be content here, away from home. I'm allowed to grow and spread my wings and be okay with that!

So. I'll stop this now because I'm sure it's sounding mushy and cliche.


I really don't care because all of it is true!


So, to all of those things--those insignificant, unimportant, distracting things--I say goodbye. Thanks for the ride. Thanks for the laughs (not really). Thanks for allowing me to fall down hard enough to gain some perspective. In an odd way, you've been quite illuminating.

I'll end with a little poem that I'm sure many of you have read. However, it really has been speaking to me a lot lately, so I thought I'd share:

"Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy."

"Desiderata" by Max Ehrmann 

a long time ago, in a blog far far away...

Yes, I realize the obvious: It's been over a month since I last posted. While this is sad, I'll not apologize--I've been busy, see, and my life just hasn't given me the time to blog.
That's false, actually, as I have plenty of spare time most days.
So, I declare an end to excuses and a new blog post instead!
What happened during October, you ask? Lots of wonderful, wonderful things :)
(If I forget anything, forgive me...)
I went on Fall Break with Twisted Measure! See the TM Blog for more details and pictures! It was basically one of the greatest trips I've ever taken with the greatest group of people I've met so far here at Elon. I'd even say it was magical :) PLUS I got to go home to Duluth and see my mom and friends, which made it even more amazing!
Speaking of Twisted Measure...I just finished arranging a piece for us! It's "Hate on Me" (popularized by Glee) and it's a lot of fun! We just learned it last week, so I'm hoping it ends up turning out okay. I'll let you guys know.
Oh oh! How could I forget? Before Fall Break came Family Weekend, and my mom came to see me for a couple of days! This was nice for several reasons: She's wonderful; I got to sleep in a hotel bed and use a real shower; I didn't have to spend any money; I had time to remember why I love my mom and why I miss home every once in a while. Awwwwww...
Also in October was Halloween! I went as a unicorn (I know, be jealous) and basically got to wear white tights (which ended up running, how sad!) and spike my hair all crazy and make a horn out of shiny paper...it was ridiculous but so much fun!
So, as November is starting (it feels so strange saying that! It's been over two months here!) I'm beginning to plan for new classes! Elon does this thing called Winter Term where basically, for the month of January, I have one class for three hours each day (I believe UGA does a similar thing in May?). This is great because I can basically chill for a month but still get some credit. I'm going to be taking Animal Sociology, which should be..interesting, hopefully. Then, next semester, I'm taking: British Lit I, Education Psych, Intellectual History, Contemporary Wellness Issues (oh the euphemisms we come up with for Health class), Voice Class I, and Piano Class I! I'm really excited about piano--I've always wanted to learn. Hopefully I'll pick it up...we'll see!
Alright, well I'll stop boring you with my life now :) I'll end with, instead of just lyrics, lyrics to a song I've grown to love and link to the video of it!

"Home" by Scott Alan (performed by Shoshana Bean):

"Look at what I'm given,

This beautiful creation, 

This sweet intoxication

Something pure in my life

Look at all these changes

Your the light that shines within me

And you'll be mine completely

There'll be no darkness left to view

I never knew this form of love existed, no

Deep inside of me is where it all begins

So hold me in your heart

Cause you'll have mine forever

Wait and lay inside my arms, I'll protect you for always

Never feel alone, for I'll always be with you

A home is where the heart is meant to be, mmm

You always have a home inside of me

And we will walk this road together

I'll shelter you from burdens

Just lean your weight on me

And stops me bridge the distance

You will always have a home here

Right here inside my arms

There is a love waiting just for you

I never knew this love form of love existed, oh no

A world away from love that I've ever known

So hold me in your heart

Cause you'll have mine forever

Wait and lay inside my arms, I'll protect you for always

Never feel alone, for I'll always be with you

A home is where the heart is meant to be, mmm

You'll always have a home inside of me

No matter where the journey leads you

If your path leads to some place new

You'll always have a home in this heart of mine, ohhh, mine

So hold me in your heart

Cause you'll have mine forever

Wait and lay inside my arms, I'll protect you for always

Never feel alone, for I'll always be with you

A home is where the heart is meant to be

And you'll always have a home inside of me"

O me! O life!

So I'm beginning to wonder if inspiration only strikes me after midnight...it seems to be so, doesn't it? It's 1:13 AM on a Saturday night (or, technically, a Sunday morning) and I get the urge to blog. I don't need sleep, it's all good :)
Anywho! So much has happened since my last post, guys! So much, in fact, that I feel the need to numerically list...

1. I SAW LADY GAGA IN CONCERT. I DIED. Okay, I am now calm once more. In reality, that first sentence is all I really need to say about this. I love her, I was in the same room as her, I cried (for real). It was the best night of my life. Here are some pictures! 

2. I had my first show with Twisted Measure! And when I say "show," I mean that we sang three songs for a group of older people that probably didn't know any of them...but it's okay, I still had such a good time singing and really just having fun with the music, which is something I haven't done in a long long time!

3. Okay so that's really it, not that much has happened...I just feel like, with Gaga and everything, a lot has been going down :) Today was the Fall Festival back in my hometown of Duluth, and I experienced legitimate homesickness for the first time in a long time. It was one of those bittersweet things, where I went back and forth between knowing that I'm so lucky to be here and doing things and living my own life, and then wanting to be home with my friends and family and the familiar. It was weird, but. I sat here, turned off the lights, watched The Dead Poet's Society, and cried a lot. Which really helped, and it reminded my why I love that movie as much as I do!!

In fact, I do believe I shall end this post with a quote from the movie (well, actually it's a quote from Whitman, but it's in the film...anyway, just read, and I'll update whenever I can!)

"O ME! O life!... of the questions of these recurring;
Of the endless trains of the faithless—of cities fill’d with the foolish;
Of myself forever reproaching myself, (for who more foolish than I, and who more faithless?)
Of eyes that vainly crave the light—of the objects mean—of the struggle ever renew’d;
Of the poor results of all—of the plodding and sordid crowds I see around me;	5
Of the empty and useless years of the rest—with the rest me intertwined;
The question, O me! so sad, recurring—What good amid these, O me, O life?
Answer. That you are here—that life exists, and identity;
That the powerful play goes on, and you will contribute a verse."